Carlisms

What is your salad dressing of choice?
The one so fattening you might as well skip the salad.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
My car.

What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
Chinese.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
You're assuming I like pizza....which I don't.

What do you like to put on your toast?
I don't like toast either.

How many televisions are in your house?
I refuse to answer this because I feel like I'm being judged somehow.

What color cell phone do you have?
This sounds like one of those "How Your Signature Defines You” type of deals. Dark Blue.

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Depends. If I'm doing something passive like writing then I'm right-handed. If I'm, say, smacking an idiot, I'm left-handed.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yes. Four wisdom teeth, a ganglion from my left wrist and I believe the collective toxins from interacting with several parasitic a#!holes has taken several years off my life.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My ass...off the bed.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Are you threatening me?

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Absolutely. I'd go out in a blaze of uninhibited jaw-dropping glory.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
It's a toss-up between Snarky Bronk, Durango Stiggs or Optimus Prime.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A thousand bucks wouldn’t even cover the trip to the ER.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I don't know. My wife keeps taking them.

When was the last run in you had with the cops?
I passed one coming out of the coffee shop. That's about it.

Last person you talked to?
My agent. No, wait....that was a dream.

Last person you hugged?
Big Bird. Wait...that was a dream too.

Favorite Season?
Christmas.

Favorite Holiday?
Christmas. Deja vu.

Day of the week?
Friday night.

Favorite Month?
Christmas. I mean, December.

First place you went this morning?
Bathroom. Duh.

What's the last movie you saw?
Pineapple Express. I’d say more but I’m still processing it.

Do you smile often?
Are you insinuating I'm not happy?

Do you always answer your phone?
Don't judge me.

It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
I always imagine it might be a drunken publisher who's mistaken me for another client but ends up liking me and signing me on. ...But it's usually someone I don't remember.

If you could change your eye color what color would it be?
Bright purple.

What flavor drink do you get at Sonic?
What the hell's a "Sonic"?

Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes. One time my mom bought a fresh salmon from the butcher and I tried to revive it in the toilet.

Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells.

What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A literary agent, a book deal with a huge publisher and a tapeworm that decreases my weight by about 60 pounds.

Can you do push ups?
I just admitted I had a weight problem. Don’t make it worse.

Can you do a chin up?
And we're twisting the knife...and twisting the knife.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous as a tethered mouse at a cat party. (That was for you, Karen.)

Do you have any saved texts?
Just by accident.

Ever been in a car wreck?
Fender benders. A wreck I probably wouldn't walk away from.

Do you have an accent?
In New York, no. In Utah I do.

What was the last song to make you cry?
I'm a guy.

Plans tonight?
You're always trying to make folks feel good about themselves.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
You should moonlight as a Suicide Hotline operator.

Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm broke. Yer battin' a thousand.

Have you ever been given roses?
Yes, but they were from a woman. I feel like I need to clarify that.

Current hate right now?
Lack of publishing contacts.

Met someone who changed your life?
My wife.

How did you bring in the New Year?
I don't remember.

What song represents you?
The theme song to Batman.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Panicking.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
"Man, do I have to pee."

Name three people who might complete this?
I'm the only idiot I can think of.