All About Me (…or I’m Running Out of Interesting Questions)

1. What curse word do you use the most?This site is rated PG so I'll just say the one that sounds like 'shit'. ...oops. Ah, well.
2. Do you own an iPod?I did until it broke. Never purchase electronics off of ebay.
3. What person on your list do you talk to the most?What list? I'm supposed to have a list?
4. What time is your alarm clock set to?Is this a sexual euphemism?
5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?My sixth grade teacher, Ms. Marone. She asked me to hang some mistletoe and planted one on me. I was in a good mood for two years.
6. Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01?On the 3rd Avenue Bridge on my way to Manhattan. I was trapped in midtown for two days.7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?I prefer to do a charcoal sketch but nobody will stay still long enough.
8. What was the last movie you watched?The Perils of Quad, based on the bestselling book. Wait...that was a dream.
9. Do any of your friends have children?It's like someone hell-bent on overpopulating the Earth has them at gunpoint.
10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?Only people who try to get me to do their work. Incidentally, these people should be forced to change their surname to "Asshole". Clarence Peter Asshole. Like The Scarlet Letter, only funny.
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?Yeah, but it should come with something to help rouse you. I'm afraid one day I'm gonna wake up during my own funeral service.
12. What CD is currently in your CD player?The audiobook “Wicked” read by Martha Stewart. Just kidding. Nine Inch Nails – Downward Spiral.
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate?Regular what? Food? Medicine? I need more information!!
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?Yeah, but I forget. That’s probably why they tell me.
15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?For your information, Nancy Starbucks is a respectable woman!
16. Can you whistle?Can you ask me a more stimulating question?
17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Wow. You just blatantly tried to set me up.
18. What are you looking forward to?The end of this questionnaire.
19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?I watch cartoons now. …What’re you trying to say?
23. Do you own any band t-shirts?Yes, I keep them as souvenirs after I dispose of the bodies.
24. What will you be doing in one hour?Receiving a phone call from a literary agency that wants to represent the book….hopefully.
25. Is anyone in love with you?I hope so cuz she's stuck with me.
26. What was the last song you heard?The new Brittany Spears one....and God help me, I didn’t hate it.
27. Last time you cried?Yes, let me tell you about the last time I cried, and then I'll indulge the details of my last colonoscopy and then perhaps I can compile a list of my most embarrassing moments for you to circulate to the public as you see fit.
28. Are you on a desktop computer or a lap top? I'm actually on a chair. I'm typing on a laptop, though.
29. Are you currently wanting any piercing or tattoos?Yes, I'd like to get a full body tattoo of a fantastic musculature to create the illusion of a ripped bod, thereby saving myself the trouble of working out. I'm also hoping to eliminate my chances of getting hired anywhere but Lou’s Tats.
30. What is the weather like?Like a passive/aggressive brat.31. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?I think the more tattoos you have, the better looking you need to be.
32. What did you do before this? Took out the garbage.
33. When is the last time you slept on the floor?The last time I took NyQuil on an empty stomach.
34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?27.
35. Do you eat breakfast daily?No, I rotate my meals.
36. Are your days fast-paced?I live in Utah.
37. What did you do last night?Prayed…and prayed and prayed. It was more like begging, really.
38. Do you use sarcasm?Oh, you noticed.
39. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? That’s like asking me how my rash is coming along.
40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? If I was, I’d keep my mouth shut anyway because that’s the kind of idiosyncrasy that makes people wanna rip your tongue out of your head and smack you about the face with it.
41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?Yeah, it was the day I realized I was outgrowing my Underoos.
43. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?Opposite sex. They’re more comfortable having a serious conversation. Um…I mean they’re nicer to look at.
44. Do you like mustard?Not even a little bit.
45. Do you sleep on your side?I don't have a choice. If I lie face up, I snore and if I lie face down, my back hurts. Gives you an idea about how old I’m gonna be.
46. Do you watch the news?Just what I see as the channels are changing.
47. How did you get one of your scars?A drill got away from me and cut my brow open...while I was standing on a ladder, no less. It didn’t end well.
48. Who was the last person to make you mad?Probably you.
50. What is the last thing you purchased?Guaranteed writing success. And it only cost me two sacrificial lambs and a pint of my own blood. …Just kidding, That was sick. I’m sorry.