1) Once I called the offices of Chips Ahoy and, in a Cookie Monster voice, I tried to arrange for home delivery. The rep was not amused.
2) I like stale potato chips, soggy fries and cold chicken.
3) I've always had a fascination with the Bionic Man, Martial Arts and anything Sasquatch.
4) I buy and rent action movies but I only watch the fight scenes.
5) When I was 21 years old, no film school would take me so I taught myself how to write a script and that same year my very first screenplay made the quarter finals of the Lone Star Screenplay Competition.
6) My biggest fear is sharks but my favorite movie is Jaws.
7) I can't stomach any talk shows, game shows or reality shows.
8) When I first moved from New York to Utah, I had a full on panic attack in the middle of a cowboy store.
9) I can't remember who I go to the movies with but I remember the name of every classmate in my kindergarten class.
10) I don't watch sports, and I don't like Elvis Presley, Willy Wonka or The Beatles. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry.
11) Musicals really bug me. I think it's just because the idea of someone bursting into song in public (not to mention in mid-conversation) is too embarrassing to enjoy.
12) My feet are so flat that when I walk barefoot on a smooth floor there’s a suction effect and they make a popping sound.
13) I like to take hour-long showers and I sometimes go through two bars of soap a week.
14) Mayo sandwiches rock.
15) In New York I ran into an elevator and startled Donald Trump's bodyguard...who almost shot me.
16) I buy a lot of flashlights. I don’t go camping and I'm not afraid of the dark. I just like flashlights.
17) When I was 10 years old I made it all the way to the finals in a Judo tournament, and then I lost…to my sister. Hey, she was bigger than me.
18) Anything involving superheroes...I must have.
19) I have never had any piercings or tattoos. This wouldn't have been a big deal 20 years ago but nowadays it's pretty freakin' rare.
20) Living 37 years in the Bronx and working 20 years in the heart of Manhattan I have never been mugged or attacked. Also rare.
21) Martha Stewart visited the law firm where I worked in New York and promptly tried to get a receptionist friend fired for not taking her coat.
22) At an airport in Florida, a group of girls mistook me for a Spanish opera singer and insisted that I give them my autograph.
23) I played the lead in a short horror film that ran before the main feature "Pieces" at the Fantasia Film Festival.
24) Whenever I buy a book, I never take a damaged copy...which is dumb because I wreck it when I read it anyway.
25) While visiting friends in Arizona last year, my buddy made a joke and I laughed so hard that I passed out. It was the only time I ever fainted.
Now available through barnesandnoble.com!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
A Peek At Me ....or "Are You A Suspicious Character?"
What's a fact about the last person who had their arms around you?
She refuses to wear shoes...ever. And I mean never.
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Question is, if there was, would I tell you? And the answer is no.
It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings?
It's my best bud, Alex. He forgets he's three hours ahead of me….constantly.
What is your favorite thing to eat?
Chinese food. Spare ribs or fried chicken wings or beef and broccolli. Thanks. Now I'm hungry.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Cold. I hate choking down summer air. It's like trying to breathe with your head in the oven.
What do you currently hear right now?
Dialogue in my head for my second book.
What do you think your best friends are doing right now?
They'd better be reading my first book.
What's your favorite Gatorade flavor?
The red one. I'd say fruit punch but they give their beverages obnoxious names like "crimson explosion" or "rambunctious red".
Who would be the first people to know if you got pregnant?
Are you implying that I’m fat?
Something you just don't understand?
Why people try to tear each other down for no reason. And why teenage mutant ninja turtles became a freakin’ phenomenon.
Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Jesus. He’s my co-pilot.
How old is the last person that texted you?
What an odd and suspiciously boring question. Why don’t you just ask me how many times I wore the color blue this week?
What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
I was watching Family Guy and the mother was accusing Brian the dog of going through the garbage. Brian insisted he didn't...then farted causing his anus to blow a chewing gum bubble that promptly popped. I honestly don't know why I was laughing so hard...and for so long. Seriously, it was disturbing.
What are your plans for the weekend?
Sleep. Of course life probably has other plans for me.
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Sounds like you’re accusing me of stealing.
Have you held hands with anyone in the past three days?
No, but now I feel like I should. Thanks again.
What are you excited about?
Getting my book published and receiving a huge advance.
What are you doing tomorrow?
You asked me this already.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Again with what I'm thinking. ..Jeez.
Do you care about someone?
No, I prefer to be completely devoid of compassion. ...That was sarcasm.
Do you regret doing anything this week?
I regret asking someone for help who didn't want to help. That's the worst. They act like you just asked them to wipe you after a bowel movement.
How late did you stay up last night?
Late enough to make me feel the next morning like I was shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
Is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind?
What is it with you and "what's on my mind"?
Are you growing apart from anyone?
I don't grow apart from people. Either I distance myself or they push me away.
Who was the last person to call you babe and when?
No one ever has but thanks for pointing that out. This whole questionnaire should be titled, “How Empty Is Your Life?”.
Who is the last person you made jokes with?
My wife, Sara. We do this thing where we talk in a funny voice and replace the first letter of certain nouns with the letter 'h'. Like we'll talk about how our "harpal hunnel" is acting up or that we want to go to "Hed, Hath & Heyond." It sounds stupid but it's fun. ..Don’t judge me!!
She refuses to wear shoes...ever. And I mean never.
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
Question is, if there was, would I tell you? And the answer is no.
It's 4 in the morning, your phone rings?
It's my best bud, Alex. He forgets he's three hours ahead of me….constantly.
What is your favorite thing to eat?
Chinese food. Spare ribs or fried chicken wings or beef and broccolli. Thanks. Now I'm hungry.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Cold. I hate choking down summer air. It's like trying to breathe with your head in the oven.
What do you currently hear right now?
Dialogue in my head for my second book.
What do you think your best friends are doing right now?
They'd better be reading my first book.
What's your favorite Gatorade flavor?
The red one. I'd say fruit punch but they give their beverages obnoxious names like "crimson explosion" or "rambunctious red".
Who would be the first people to know if you got pregnant?
Are you implying that I’m fat?
Something you just don't understand?
Why people try to tear each other down for no reason. And why teenage mutant ninja turtles became a freakin’ phenomenon.
Who was the last person you were in a car with?
Jesus. He’s my co-pilot.
How old is the last person that texted you?
What an odd and suspiciously boring question. Why don’t you just ask me how many times I wore the color blue this week?
What was the last thing you laughed really hard about?
I was watching Family Guy and the mother was accusing Brian the dog of going through the garbage. Brian insisted he didn't...then farted causing his anus to blow a chewing gum bubble that promptly popped. I honestly don't know why I was laughing so hard...and for so long. Seriously, it was disturbing.
What are your plans for the weekend?
Sleep. Of course life probably has other plans for me.
Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Sounds like you’re accusing me of stealing.
Have you held hands with anyone in the past three days?
No, but now I feel like I should. Thanks again.
What are you excited about?
Getting my book published and receiving a huge advance.
What are you doing tomorrow?
You asked me this already.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
Again with what I'm thinking. ..Jeez.
Do you care about someone?
No, I prefer to be completely devoid of compassion. ...That was sarcasm.
Do you regret doing anything this week?
I regret asking someone for help who didn't want to help. That's the worst. They act like you just asked them to wipe you after a bowel movement.
How late did you stay up last night?
Late enough to make me feel the next morning like I was shot in the ass with a tranquilizer dart.
Is there a member of the opposite gender on your mind?
What is it with you and "what's on my mind"?
Are you growing apart from anyone?
I don't grow apart from people. Either I distance myself or they push me away.
Who was the last person to call you babe and when?
No one ever has but thanks for pointing that out. This whole questionnaire should be titled, “How Empty Is Your Life?”.
Who is the last person you made jokes with?
My wife, Sara. We do this thing where we talk in a funny voice and replace the first letter of certain nouns with the letter 'h'. Like we'll talk about how our "harpal hunnel" is acting up or that we want to go to "Hed, Hath & Heyond." It sounds stupid but it's fun. ..Don’t judge me!!
All About Me (…or I’m Running Out of Interesting Questions)
1. What curse word do you use the most?This site is rated PG so I'll just say the one that sounds like 'shit'. ...oops. Ah, well.
2. Do you own an iPod?I did until it broke. Never purchase electronics off of ebay.
3. What person on your list do you talk to the most?What list? I'm supposed to have a list?
4. What time is your alarm clock set to?Is this a sexual euphemism?
5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?My sixth grade teacher, Ms. Marone. She asked me to hang some mistletoe and planted one on me. I was in a good mood for two years.
6. Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01?On the 3rd Avenue Bridge on my way to Manhattan. I was trapped in midtown for two days.7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?I prefer to do a charcoal sketch but nobody will stay still long enough.
8. What was the last movie you watched?The Perils of Quad, based on the bestselling book. Wait...that was a dream.
9. Do any of your friends have children?It's like someone hell-bent on overpopulating the Earth has them at gunpoint.
10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?Only people who try to get me to do their work. Incidentally, these people should be forced to change their surname to "Asshole". Clarence Peter Asshole. Like The Scarlet Letter, only funny.
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?Yeah, but it should come with something to help rouse you. I'm afraid one day I'm gonna wake up during my own funeral service.
12. What CD is currently in your CD player?The audiobook “Wicked” read by Martha Stewart. Just kidding. Nine Inch Nails – Downward Spiral.
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate?Regular what? Food? Medicine? I need more information!!
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?Yeah, but I forget. That’s probably why they tell me.
15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?For your information, Nancy Starbucks is a respectable woman!
16. Can you whistle?Can you ask me a more stimulating question?
17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Wow. You just blatantly tried to set me up.
18. What are you looking forward to?The end of this questionnaire.
19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?I watch cartoons now. …What’re you trying to say?
23. Do you own any band t-shirts?Yes, I keep them as souvenirs after I dispose of the bodies.
24. What will you be doing in one hour?Receiving a phone call from a literary agency that wants to represent the book….hopefully.
25. Is anyone in love with you?I hope so cuz she's stuck with me.
26. What was the last song you heard?The new Brittany Spears one....and God help me, I didn’t hate it.
27. Last time you cried?Yes, let me tell you about the last time I cried, and then I'll indulge the details of my last colonoscopy and then perhaps I can compile a list of my most embarrassing moments for you to circulate to the public as you see fit.
28. Are you on a desktop computer or a lap top? I'm actually on a chair. I'm typing on a laptop, though.
29. Are you currently wanting any piercing or tattoos?Yes, I'd like to get a full body tattoo of a fantastic musculature to create the illusion of a ripped bod, thereby saving myself the trouble of working out. I'm also hoping to eliminate my chances of getting hired anywhere but Lou’s Tats.
30. What is the weather like?Like a passive/aggressive brat.31. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?I think the more tattoos you have, the better looking you need to be.
32. What did you do before this? Took out the garbage.
33. When is the last time you slept on the floor?The last time I took NyQuil on an empty stomach.
34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?27.
35. Do you eat breakfast daily?No, I rotate my meals.
36. Are your days fast-paced?I live in Utah.
37. What did you do last night?Prayed…and prayed and prayed. It was more like begging, really.
38. Do you use sarcasm?Oh, you noticed.
39. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? That’s like asking me how my rash is coming along.
40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? If I was, I’d keep my mouth shut anyway because that’s the kind of idiosyncrasy that makes people wanna rip your tongue out of your head and smack you about the face with it.
41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?Yeah, it was the day I realized I was outgrowing my Underoos.
43. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?Opposite sex. They’re more comfortable having a serious conversation. Um…I mean they’re nicer to look at.
44. Do you like mustard?Not even a little bit.
45. Do you sleep on your side?I don't have a choice. If I lie face up, I snore and if I lie face down, my back hurts. Gives you an idea about how old I’m gonna be.
46. Do you watch the news?Just what I see as the channels are changing.
47. How did you get one of your scars?A drill got away from me and cut my brow open...while I was standing on a ladder, no less. It didn’t end well.
48. Who was the last person to make you mad?Probably you.
50. What is the last thing you purchased?Guaranteed writing success. And it only cost me two sacrificial lambs and a pint of my own blood. …Just kidding, That was sick. I’m sorry.
2. Do you own an iPod?I did until it broke. Never purchase electronics off of ebay.
3. What person on your list do you talk to the most?What list? I'm supposed to have a list?
4. What time is your alarm clock set to?Is this a sexual euphemism?
5. Do you still remember the first person you kissed?My sixth grade teacher, Ms. Marone. She asked me to hang some mistletoe and planted one on me. I was in a good mood for two years.
6. Do you remember where you were on 9/11/01?On the 3rd Avenue Bridge on my way to Manhattan. I was trapped in midtown for two days.7. Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?I prefer to do a charcoal sketch but nobody will stay still long enough.
8. What was the last movie you watched?The Perils of Quad, based on the bestselling book. Wait...that was a dream.
9. Do any of your friends have children?It's like someone hell-bent on overpopulating the Earth has them at gunpoint.
10. Has anyone ever called you lazy?Only people who try to get me to do their work. Incidentally, these people should be forced to change their surname to "Asshole". Clarence Peter Asshole. Like The Scarlet Letter, only funny.
11. Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep?Yeah, but it should come with something to help rouse you. I'm afraid one day I'm gonna wake up during my own funeral service.
12. What CD is currently in your CD player?The audiobook “Wicked” read by Martha Stewart. Just kidding. Nine Inch Nails – Downward Spiral.
13. Do you prefer regular or chocolate?Regular what? Food? Medicine? I need more information!!
14. Has anyone told you a secret this week?Yeah, but I forget. That’s probably why they tell me.
15. When was the last time you had Starbucks?For your information, Nancy Starbucks is a respectable woman!
16. Can you whistle?Can you ask me a more stimulating question?
17. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?Wow. You just blatantly tried to set me up.
18. What are you looking forward to?The end of this questionnaire.
19. Did you watch cartoons as a child?I watch cartoons now. …What’re you trying to say?
23. Do you own any band t-shirts?Yes, I keep them as souvenirs after I dispose of the bodies.
24. What will you be doing in one hour?Receiving a phone call from a literary agency that wants to represent the book….hopefully.
25. Is anyone in love with you?I hope so cuz she's stuck with me.
26. What was the last song you heard?The new Brittany Spears one....and God help me, I didn’t hate it.
27. Last time you cried?Yes, let me tell you about the last time I cried, and then I'll indulge the details of my last colonoscopy and then perhaps I can compile a list of my most embarrassing moments for you to circulate to the public as you see fit.
28. Are you on a desktop computer or a lap top? I'm actually on a chair. I'm typing on a laptop, though.
29. Are you currently wanting any piercing or tattoos?Yes, I'd like to get a full body tattoo of a fantastic musculature to create the illusion of a ripped bod, thereby saving myself the trouble of working out. I'm also hoping to eliminate my chances of getting hired anywhere but Lou’s Tats.
30. What is the weather like?Like a passive/aggressive brat.31. Would you ever date a girl/guy covered in tattoos?I think the more tattoos you have, the better looking you need to be.
32. What did you do before this? Took out the garbage.
33. When is the last time you slept on the floor?The last time I took NyQuil on an empty stomach.
34. How many hours of sleep do you need to function?27.
35. Do you eat breakfast daily?No, I rotate my meals.
36. Are your days fast-paced?I live in Utah.
37. What did you do last night?Prayed…and prayed and prayed. It was more like begging, really.
38. Do you use sarcasm?Oh, you noticed.
39. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? That’s like asking me how my rash is coming along.
40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar? If I was, I’d keep my mouth shut anyway because that’s the kind of idiosyncrasy that makes people wanna rip your tongue out of your head and smack you about the face with it.
41. Have you ever been to Six Flags?Yeah, it was the day I realized I was outgrowing my Underoos.
43. Do you get along better with the same sex or the opposite sex?Opposite sex. They’re more comfortable having a serious conversation. Um…I mean they’re nicer to look at.
44. Do you like mustard?Not even a little bit.
45. Do you sleep on your side?I don't have a choice. If I lie face up, I snore and if I lie face down, my back hurts. Gives you an idea about how old I’m gonna be.
46. Do you watch the news?Just what I see as the channels are changing.
47. How did you get one of your scars?A drill got away from me and cut my brow open...while I was standing on a ladder, no less. It didn’t end well.
48. Who was the last person to make you mad?Probably you.
50. What is the last thing you purchased?Guaranteed writing success. And it only cost me two sacrificial lambs and a pint of my own blood. …Just kidding, That was sick. I’m sorry.
15 Films That Changed My Life
1) Peter Pan....It made me think that whenever I was experiencing an intense emotion, I should stop everything that was going on and express myself with a song. One psychiatric evaluation and two therapy sessions later, I believed musicals were created to sabotage my life.
2) Star Wars....I was as swept away as anyone else but even at eight years old I knew "Luke Skywalker" was an awful actor. It was like watching a tangled marionette floundering in the middle of a Muppet show.
3) Rocky....I remember reminding myself to go to school every day and to not ever get punched in the head because I didn't want to talk like that.
4) Jaws....One of my favorites. I hadn't been that terrified since I made out with the school bully's girlfriend. It also made me realize that I could go several weeks without bathing and the rest of my life without the beach.
5) Superman....I'd never felt so empowered. I thought I might be indestructible. I thought maybe I was stronger. I wanted to try to fly. After a couple of scraped knees and a sprained wrist I went back to reading comic books in my fortress of humility.
6) Blade Runner....I knew after this film that I would forever hate narration. I'm a huge fan but every time I would hear Harrison Ford's voice-over it was like someone interrupting me to ask for directions to Burger King.
7) A Nightmare On Elm Street....I finally felt like I fit into society again knowing there was a writer out there with a more demented imagination than me.
8) The Crow....This was the most innovative genre-bending piece of its time. Only true heartbreak could have inspired something like this. And it did. God, I wish I'd thought of it. This film made me want to die and come back from the dead just to exact gratuitously violent supernatural vengeance upon the guy who swindled me out of five hundred bucks for his pyramid scam.
9) Die Hard....It took me a good hour into the film to stop thinking, "I can't believe the 'Moonlighting' guy is cursing and shooting a gun". But after that, I knew it would be a milestone action film.
10) Batman....I thought it was the most amazing superhero movie of all time. Of course, ten years later I was embarrassed that I felt that way.
11) Jurassic Park....The dinosaurs looked so freakin' real. That'll stay with me forever. I still don't even remember the story. But seriously, who cares?
12) The Incredibles....Favorite animated film ever. Again, I wish I'd thought of it. The only thing I'd change is....I'd do a sequel!! Where the hell is the sequel??!!
13) As Good As It Gets....There's just something about watching a socially challenged Jack Nicholson interacting with people like a monkey on a job interview. I mean, who wouldn't be riveted by a slow motion train wreck?
14) Spider-Man....It pains me to say the only thing that drains the high-octane machismo heroism right out of this movie is that Toby Maguire has the voice of a nine-year old girl. They might as well have sewn a webbed tutu around Spider-Girl's waist.
15) Iron Man....I have to admit I scoffed at the idea of Robert Downey Jr. as a superhero (I hear they're gonna cast Will Ferrell as Captain America!) but the guy did make the movie.
2) Star Wars....I was as swept away as anyone else but even at eight years old I knew "Luke Skywalker" was an awful actor. It was like watching a tangled marionette floundering in the middle of a Muppet show.
3) Rocky....I remember reminding myself to go to school every day and to not ever get punched in the head because I didn't want to talk like that.
4) Jaws....One of my favorites. I hadn't been that terrified since I made out with the school bully's girlfriend. It also made me realize that I could go several weeks without bathing and the rest of my life without the beach.
5) Superman....I'd never felt so empowered. I thought I might be indestructible. I thought maybe I was stronger. I wanted to try to fly. After a couple of scraped knees and a sprained wrist I went back to reading comic books in my fortress of humility.
6) Blade Runner....I knew after this film that I would forever hate narration. I'm a huge fan but every time I would hear Harrison Ford's voice-over it was like someone interrupting me to ask for directions to Burger King.
7) A Nightmare On Elm Street....I finally felt like I fit into society again knowing there was a writer out there with a more demented imagination than me.
8) The Crow....This was the most innovative genre-bending piece of its time. Only true heartbreak could have inspired something like this. And it did. God, I wish I'd thought of it. This film made me want to die and come back from the dead just to exact gratuitously violent supernatural vengeance upon the guy who swindled me out of five hundred bucks for his pyramid scam.
9) Die Hard....It took me a good hour into the film to stop thinking, "I can't believe the 'Moonlighting' guy is cursing and shooting a gun". But after that, I knew it would be a milestone action film.
10) Batman....I thought it was the most amazing superhero movie of all time. Of course, ten years later I was embarrassed that I felt that way.
11) Jurassic Park....The dinosaurs looked so freakin' real. That'll stay with me forever. I still don't even remember the story. But seriously, who cares?
12) The Incredibles....Favorite animated film ever. Again, I wish I'd thought of it. The only thing I'd change is....I'd do a sequel!! Where the hell is the sequel??!!
13) As Good As It Gets....There's just something about watching a socially challenged Jack Nicholson interacting with people like a monkey on a job interview. I mean, who wouldn't be riveted by a slow motion train wreck?
14) Spider-Man....It pains me to say the only thing that drains the high-octane machismo heroism right out of this movie is that Toby Maguire has the voice of a nine-year old girl. They might as well have sewn a webbed tutu around Spider-Girl's waist.
15) Iron Man....I have to admit I scoffed at the idea of Robert Downey Jr. as a superhero (I hear they're gonna cast Will Ferrell as Captain America!) but the guy did make the movie.
Carlisms
What is your salad dressing of choice?
The one so fattening you might as well skip the salad.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
My car.
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
Chinese.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
You're assuming I like pizza....which I don't.
What do you like to put on your toast?
I don't like toast either.
How many televisions are in your house?
I refuse to answer this because I feel like I'm being judged somehow.
What color cell phone do you have?
This sounds like one of those "How Your Signature Defines You” type of deals. Dark Blue.
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Depends. If I'm doing something passive like writing then I'm right-handed. If I'm, say, smacking an idiot, I'm left-handed.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yes. Four wisdom teeth, a ganglion from my left wrist and I believe the collective toxins from interacting with several parasitic a#!holes has taken several years off my life.
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My ass...off the bed.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Are you threatening me?
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Absolutely. I'd go out in a blaze of uninhibited jaw-dropping glory.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
It's a toss-up between Snarky Bronk, Durango Stiggs or Optimus Prime.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A thousand bucks wouldn’t even cover the trip to the ER.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I don't know. My wife keeps taking them.
When was the last run in you had with the cops?
I passed one coming out of the coffee shop. That's about it.
Last person you talked to?
My agent. No, wait....that was a dream.
Last person you hugged?
Big Bird. Wait...that was a dream too.
Favorite Season?
Christmas.
Favorite Holiday?
Christmas. Deja vu.
Day of the week?
Friday night.
Favorite Month?
Christmas. I mean, December.
First place you went this morning?
Bathroom. Duh.
What's the last movie you saw?
Pineapple Express. I’d say more but I’m still processing it.
Do you smile often?
Are you insinuating I'm not happy?
Do you always answer your phone?
Don't judge me.
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
I always imagine it might be a drunken publisher who's mistaken me for another client but ends up liking me and signing me on. ...But it's usually someone I don't remember.
If you could change your eye color what color would it be?
Bright purple.
What flavor drink do you get at Sonic?
What the hell's a "Sonic"?
Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes. One time my mom bought a fresh salmon from the butcher and I tried to revive it in the toilet.
Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A literary agent, a book deal with a huge publisher and a tapeworm that decreases my weight by about 60 pounds.
Can you do push ups?
I just admitted I had a weight problem. Don’t make it worse.
Can you do a chin up?
And we're twisting the knife...and twisting the knife.
Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous as a tethered mouse at a cat party. (That was for you, Karen.)
Do you have any saved texts?
Just by accident.
Ever been in a car wreck?
Fender benders. A wreck I probably wouldn't walk away from.
Do you have an accent?
In New York, no. In Utah I do.
What was the last song to make you cry?
I'm a guy.
Plans tonight?
You're always trying to make folks feel good about themselves.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
You should moonlight as a Suicide Hotline operator.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm broke. Yer battin' a thousand.
Have you ever been given roses?
Yes, but they were from a woman. I feel like I need to clarify that.
Current hate right now?
Lack of publishing contacts.
Met someone who changed your life?
My wife.
How did you bring in the New Year?
I don't remember.
What song represents you?
The theme song to Batman.
What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Panicking.
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
"Man, do I have to pee."
Name three people who might complete this?
I'm the only idiot I can think of.
The one so fattening you might as well skip the salad.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
My car.
What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
Chinese.
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
You're assuming I like pizza....which I don't.
What do you like to put on your toast?
I don't like toast either.
How many televisions are in your house?
I refuse to answer this because I feel like I'm being judged somehow.
What color cell phone do you have?
This sounds like one of those "How Your Signature Defines You” type of deals. Dark Blue.
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Depends. If I'm doing something passive like writing then I'm right-handed. If I'm, say, smacking an idiot, I'm left-handed.
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Yes. Four wisdom teeth, a ganglion from my left wrist and I believe the collective toxins from interacting with several parasitic a#!holes has taken several years off my life.
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My ass...off the bed.
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Are you threatening me?
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Absolutely. I'd go out in a blaze of uninhibited jaw-dropping glory.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
It's a toss-up between Snarky Bronk, Durango Stiggs or Optimus Prime.
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A thousand bucks wouldn’t even cover the trip to the ER.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I don't know. My wife keeps taking them.
When was the last run in you had with the cops?
I passed one coming out of the coffee shop. That's about it.
Last person you talked to?
My agent. No, wait....that was a dream.
Last person you hugged?
Big Bird. Wait...that was a dream too.
Favorite Season?
Christmas.
Favorite Holiday?
Christmas. Deja vu.
Day of the week?
Friday night.
Favorite Month?
Christmas. I mean, December.
First place you went this morning?
Bathroom. Duh.
What's the last movie you saw?
Pineapple Express. I’d say more but I’m still processing it.
Do you smile often?
Are you insinuating I'm not happy?
Do you always answer your phone?
Don't judge me.
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
I always imagine it might be a drunken publisher who's mistaken me for another client but ends up liking me and signing me on. ...But it's usually someone I don't remember.
If you could change your eye color what color would it be?
Bright purple.
What flavor drink do you get at Sonic?
What the hell's a "Sonic"?
Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes. One time my mom bought a fresh salmon from the butcher and I tried to revive it in the toilet.
Favorite Christmas song?
Carol of the Bells.
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
A literary agent, a book deal with a huge publisher and a tapeworm that decreases my weight by about 60 pounds.
Can you do push ups?
I just admitted I had a weight problem. Don’t make it worse.
Can you do a chin up?
And we're twisting the knife...and twisting the knife.
Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous as a tethered mouse at a cat party. (That was for you, Karen.)
Do you have any saved texts?
Just by accident.
Ever been in a car wreck?
Fender benders. A wreck I probably wouldn't walk away from.
Do you have an accent?
In New York, no. In Utah I do.
What was the last song to make you cry?
I'm a guy.
Plans tonight?
You're always trying to make folks feel good about themselves.
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
You should moonlight as a Suicide Hotline operator.
Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
Thanks for reminding me that I'm broke. Yer battin' a thousand.
Have you ever been given roses?
Yes, but they were from a woman. I feel like I need to clarify that.
Current hate right now?
Lack of publishing contacts.
Met someone who changed your life?
My wife.
How did you bring in the New Year?
I don't remember.
What song represents you?
The theme song to Batman.
What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Panicking.
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
"Man, do I have to pee."
Name three people who might complete this?
I'm the only idiot I can think of.
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Published February 2009
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AMC Monsterfest
Carl was a contributing writer to "Short Screamers Hosted by John Carpenter" which was part of AMC's Halloween Monsterfest - He wrote "The Witching Hour" which was described by critics as "The Honeymooners meets The Others"
My Writer's Bio
My writing life in a really small nutshell.....
Acting Debut
This was a short horror spoof ("Working Late") that I played the lead in. It ran before the main feature ("Pieces")at the Fantasia Film Festival in Canada...
"The Startup" Movie Poster
Carl was Story Editor on the film "The Startup"
Short film "Heroes" Movie poster
"HEROES" Production Still
Carl Joglar directing one of the actors
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